He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
