I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Someone shattered a urinal.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize