I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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