the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
