One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You've changed since you got that strap on
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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