Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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