Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
