So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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