He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
