this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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