I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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