I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
