I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize