I haven't been this sober since birth.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
