Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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