the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize