how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize