You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
