He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
