your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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