Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
