I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
