I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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