I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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