who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
