dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
