i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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