I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
