I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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