Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
