i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
