I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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