did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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