Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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