Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i came on her dog
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
