i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
