oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
