I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
