when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
