life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When are your genitals available?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
