I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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