i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
