dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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