if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just saw a hot homeless man
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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