our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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