Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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