Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
