dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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