i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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