I could make wine with my vomit
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
