Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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