shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
so much tequila, so little girl.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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