Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
