Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
