is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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