As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
