I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
