Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
