the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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